You’ve just moved to a new city, now how do you make new friends? Quality friends. Here are 6 tips
that helped me when I moved to a new city!
1. Rekindle dormant relationships:
When I moved to a new city at 29, I immediately reached out to a couple of college friends (I happened to be back in my college city). When we met, I shared that I was looking to make new friends. At first I was worried this would make me sound socially awkward and like I couldn’t make friends on my own. But, when you’re moving to a new city (or even a city you’ve lived in before), nearly everyone understands you’d want new friends. If you don’t mention it, people likely won’t think to introduce you to their friend group or acquaintances, or invite you to activities. but this could be childhood friends, cousins, mutual friends, etc). Putting myself out there with these old friends paid off. I was put in touch with a few girls and invited to a couple of parties and events. Ironically, I didn’t rekindle strong relationships with my college friends, but they helped me meet other girls who I did connect with more deeply.
2. Always say “yes” (with gratitude and excitement):
During the first ~1yr of moving to a new city, if you have the fortune of being invited to a happy
hour, show, game night, etc., always say “yes” and, as importantly, follow through on your
commitment. Even if you’ve had a tiring week or you don’t think you’ll hit it off with the person
inviting you and/or their friends, you never know what the event will hold or who you will meet.
When I established a core group of friends, my brother’s friend and his wife moved close by, so I
got her contact info and reached out to welcome her, and suggested we meet up for a happy
hour. From there, I invited her to my book club, comedy shows, etc. One trait I really
appreciated about her (and one of the main reasons I continued to extend offers to her) is
that she always said “yes” to my invitations, and genuinely seemed excited and grateful to be
included. So, if someone invites you to something, don’t respond with “I’ll try to make it” or
“thanks, I’ll see you then.” Go the extra mile to say “yes, I’d love to, that sounds awesome. I
really appreciate you including me” or “yes, that sounds like a blast. Please let me know what I
can bring.” We all have an ego and no one wants to feel like the person they’re inviting may
flake, or thinks they’re too cool to come.
3. Always be the one to initiate and offer a suggestion:
Say you meet up with a girl who you think could be good friend material, but it’s unclear who
should reach out to meet up again. Don’t wait on her. As the new kid on the block, you need to
be the one to reach out. When you reach out, offer a suggestion of what to do. Don’t text her
and say “hey, we should hang out soon.” This expresses a lack of confidence and honestly
sounds boring. When you reach out, say something along the lines of “hey, so fun to meet up a
couple weeks ago. I’ve been wanting to do “x” and wanted to see if you’d want to join me.” Or,
“would love to hang out again, are you free next week to do “x”?” (some suggestions below). Let
her know you want to spend time with her and offer an activity suggestion to help her envision
what that time together would look like.
- Happy hour
- Dinner at a new/interesting restaurant
- Concert
- Comedy show
- Museum
- Lecture
- Hike/workout class
- Class (e.g. flower arranging, pottery, cookie decorating, cooking)
- Local event (e.g. parade, farmers market)
- Picnic
4. Join groups and attend them consistently:
I’ve been to so many boring or weird group meet ups (e.g. a young public policy happy hour and
everyone was 60+, or a bond fire with my church’s young adult group, and I got stuck next to a
guy in his 20’s who brought his 50 yr old child babysitter), so this step has personally been the
hardest one for me to follow through with. That said, you have to try new things to broaden
your social network. Even if you don’t meet your new BFF at the first event, try everything 3x in
case there are new people. When you do meet a girl who you think could be fun to hang out
with, ask for her number and make sure to follow up within the next 48hrs so you don’t lose the
momentum.
Here are some suggestions of groups to try:
- Workout classes
- Church
- Book clubs
- Classes
- Coffee shops
- Farmers markets
- Meet up groups (make use of Facebook or MeetUp)
5. Host friends at your place:
Once you have a budding friendship, host something at your place. Being invited over to
someone’s house helps to solidify and deepen friendships – generally speaking, people don’t
want to invite people into their most private space if they don’t like them. Spending time in your
own home also creates a more causal and intimate setting to potentially lead to deeper
conversation, which can sometimes be tricky to have at a restaurant or public space.
You may be thinking ”my place is really small” or “I have a weird roommate.” That’s okay, you
may not want to have a big game night, but you could have a few girls over for wine…and you
can wait till your roommate is out of town. Some suggestions of ways to host:
- Book club (or discussion, if you don’t want to commit to something on-going)
- Game night
- Movie night
- Wine & cheese night
- Brunch
- “The Bachelor” watch party
Hosting activities can also be an easy way to invite girls who you’ve just met, and ultimately lead
to deeper more fulfilling friendships.
6. Have the right mindset:
6. Have the right mindset:
- Most people want to make new friends: Sometimes the hardest aspect to make new friends is overcoming the thought that everyone already has all the friends they want. I haven’t found this to be the case. Nearly everyone has phases in their life when they no longer click with their college friends or have friends who move away or enter a new stage in their life that makes friendship more challenging to prioritize. As such, most people want to make new friends throughout their whole life.
- Stay positive: Make sure to express your positive and fun side, if you’re trying to become
friends with someone who already has friends, make becoming friends with you feel easy.
No one wants to feel like they need to bring all the fun and excitement to a friendship or
babysit when introducing a new girl to existing friends. - Approach others: One of the best ways to meet people outside of your existing social circles
is to approach girls at places where you already go (e.g. grocery store, church, work, gym)
and introduce yourself. I’ve done this many times and offered “I’ve seen you here before, so
I thought I’d introduce myself because you seem nice or fun.” If she’s interested in making a
new friend, she’ll likely exchange a few pleasantries and then you could suggest something
simple and easy to meet up in the future (e.g. coffee, drinks after work). If she doesn’t seem
interested, move on and don’t take it personally…you never know what other people have
going on in their life.
Ultimately, it takes time and effort to make new quality friends, but trying even one of these ideas will
get you started in the right direction to making new quality friends.